[solution resolved]
When I started this blog, I named it My Temporary Solution. There was a genuine comfort in turning to anything Sonic the Hedgehog related when times were turbulent in the real world, and I learned to cope with lots of chapters in my life thanks to that little blue blur. Literally seeing him gave me a warm comfort in my chest like nothing else had ever done, and I clung to that feeling for as long as I could. However, something interesting happened since the last time I posted here and it’s something I can only wrap up in the following way.
Like a child who realizes that the tooth fairy isn’t real afterall, the magic has finally disappeared. I feel like I’ve finally grown up.
I was watching a particular episode of Sonic Boom shortly after my last post here. Don’t remember how long ago it was, I’m sure that post has a time stamp on it. But this episode made me absolutely furious. Like, super angry, couldn’t eat couldn’t sleep furious. I literally could not function or do anything for an entire day because it bothered me to my core. I even cried. And it’s so strange writing about all of this now because it seems so silly but honest to god, that episode changed me and I’m figuring my life path out because of it. But it was an episode where this D-level character with braces replaced Sonic as the hero and all his pals started swarming to this unremarkable character in full swoon, practically outcasting him for the main part of the episode.
At first, I rolled my eyes and understood that this was simply a rehash storyline found in other shows and stories where everyone falls for the new hero, forgets the old one, new hero can’t fix a major problem so old one comes back and saves the day and everyone cares about the original hero again. I got that. But it was the part where the police figures forced Sonic away from the town and even drew a white chalk line saying he couldn’t go past this line anymore because he was not wanted and basically outcasted that literally drew the line for me as well. In my fangirl mind, if this show was canon then how could all of his closest friends and community, whom he had saved countless times for all these years completely disregard him like this so easily? It really, truly made me upset that this show that is clearly intended for 8 year olds and a younger demographic made me this upset. I literally outcasted myself and reflected on it, and I uncovered this inner truth about it.
Like a mirror, I’ve always resonated with Sonic’s spirit and demeanor and even aspired to be like him ever since I was a six-year-old girl. Not in the ridiculous sense of the Gotta Go Fast kind of way, but going through what may seem like ridiculous obstacles and trailblazing your own path to fight for what you believe in, saving your friends when you see them in trouble and never taking the easy way out in life when things get difficult. That even a character this charismatic and known for attitude craved solitude and reflection out in the fields and mountains away from everyone else resonated with me to my core. I fell in love with his story. And the direction this plotline took this character pained me to my core a little more than I would like to admit.
I realized that like him, despite all that I have done for friends, family, students and close loved ones, the moment I was no longer needed I was always abandoned or replaced. Put in the backburner for some use later in life. Chalk lined.
I broke my back, my spirit, my wallet, even my marriage all these years so that I could be the best damn teacher, wife, friend, role model I could possibly be. When a fire broke out in my classroom closet through no fault of my own, I was outcasted by my own school, left to fend for myself with a figurative chalk line in an auditorium with no clear communication and a “good luck” attitude by my administration. Both superiors and kids took advantage of me, family blamed me or criticized me that I wasn’t strong enough to do what I was “supposed” to do during that difficult time, friends were too busy or had no idea how to help me so just wished me good luck as if it was a throwaway message of leave me alone, I got my own problems to deal with….I gave these people EVERYTHING I could possibly give. Time, love, a caring heart, crying shoulder, words of wisdom, knowledge, EVERYTHING. And through it all, I had to lean on my own shoulder and learn how to accept my own hugs from my own damn arms as a form of comfort. I felt so god damned alone. This was the final straw from years of built up torment that I felt like I snapped and my whole world had collapsed all around me at that pivotal moment.
How I craved to have just been able to run away, leave everything behind and recharge for a bit in my own field of flowers. Not in this world of solitude. I grew angry. I grew bitter. I finally said enough was enough. Unlike Sonic who accepted everyone’s apologies at the end of that episode and returned to being their hero….I took that damn noose around my neck and let it go. Go suffocate yourself. I was done. I am done.
And just like that, the feeling I once felt around Sonic the Hedgehog disappeared. I feel nothing. No joy, no remorse. Nothing. My memorabilia collection seems like clutter now. I’ve put many of my figurines away in a coat closet or in my daughter’s room. My daughter still likes him, but in a 4 year old kind of way and nothing more. I believe that’s how my liking towards him should’ve been all along, but was overblown by my strange obsession and was carried away for far too long. The magic I once felt around that little blue hedgehog has gone, maybe even a little forced now because of my fandom reputation. But I finally accept that as my reality.
Today, or yesterday now, was my 30th birthday. I considered it a normal day. I invited no one to a birthday party nor made any mention of it to anyone around me. Facebook did all the reminding this year. It was through habit that my family wanted to celebrate with me as a daughter, as a wife, a mother, and for those roles I obliged. But not for me. I live a life where I am simply a multitude of roles and nothing more, and that’s ok. I’ve moved onto a new profession that allows me to be in my Jeep for long periods of time to leave me with my thoughts and not get attached to the people I help. My Renegade is my field of flowers now. I’ve gotten rid of my bleeding heart and don’t involve myself in people’s lives anymore, and that’s ok. I don’t step in with words of wisdom anymore. I’ve learned to let the world take care of itself from now on because in the end, like in death life moves on. Just like my former classroom moved on with a new teacher, as if I never existed. That’s allowed me to heal and most of all, take care of myself because in the end, I am all of me and only me. My temporary solution has been resolved, and I am grateful for the journey it has taken me. It’s time to bid farewell to my naïve spirit and move forward with more direction and less aspiration.
This is the end of my blog, and if you’re reading this still for some reason I thank you all for dealing with my antics along the way. It was fun and exciting while it lasted.
Farewell.
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